The High Cost of Being "Good"

THE CURRENCY OF AFFECTION: WHEN BEING LOVED MEANS BEING FLAWLESS

By Sarah Khan

A child grows up with parents who want the best for their child. They reward her when she scores well. They reward her when she is obedient and polite. They reward her when she helps elders in their chores. The rewards come in chocolates, an outing, favorite dish, new toy or any other gift from parents.

But there’s a problem. The love comes with conditions.

As long as she follows the rules, she’s rewarded (which is ideally good). But when she makes a mistake or rebels, she’s neglected, silenced, guilt-tripped or punished. The love is unpredictable as parents alternate between affection and withdrawal. This forms a toxic loop.

The child learns that love is conditional and that you must behave in a certain way to be loved. You cannot be who you are. Sometimes, they also chase perfectionism (which sounds good but is based on childhood trauma that instilled fear of doing anything less than perfect). The child is not allowed to make mistakes for the sake of chasing parents’ affection. This also happens when the child observes that the favorite child of parents is often the one who rebels less and makes the least mistakes. It leads to overthinking, low self-worth and fear of abandonment.

When love does not come with conditions, after any mistake, parents guide the child logically along with consequences of her behavior rather than silencing or guilt tripping her. They reward her for her achievements but do not punish her for mistakes. They have the attitude of “Yes you have to avoid mistakes to be a good human being but committing mistakes don’t make you unworthy of love”. Affection is not based on performance. Among parents and child, part of the discussion is that mistakes are a part of life and opportunity to seek guidance rather than shame. A child raised with conditional love accepts a partner offering conditional love, too. When a child raised with inconsistent and conditional love grows up, she learns that love is earned through suffering. She starts seeking validation from people. She starts considering her worth based on the validation she gets from others. When she must bond with her partner, she ends up giving more than what she receives. The child who spent her childhood chasing perfection, shamed for making mistakes thinks that she needs to provide “value” to her partner in order to be loved. While chasing perfection is good, the guilt and fear besides chasing perfection is bad. Sometimes, even kindness feels uncomfortable or overwhelming to a person raised with conditional love and care in the past. The person sees it as a threat since it seems unusual leading to mistrust and fear whether the kindness is with an ill intention or this won’t last long.

In order to heal from conditional love of childhood, you’ve to unlearn that your worth lies on performance and relearn that you don’t have to be perfect or please people to be loved and valued. This involves practicing validation of your own feelings and self-compassion and choosing a partner with consistent care rather than effort oriented conditional love.

You must unlearn that your worth is based on performance and relearn that your worth is not earned, it is inherent. Replace your inner voice constantly that asks you to over-give, seek validation and fix others to get love with self-compassion and self-love. Avoid harsh self-criticism allowing yourself to make mistakes. Set boundaries without guilt on signs of disrespect since affection needs to be consistent and respectful. Love should feel safe rather than something to struggle for. Emotional awareness will also help you to recognize patterns and get therapy.